Unknown

I have been in the legal working world for four months now. No surprise, the working world is a lot of work. The idea of working 10-12 hour days was hard to fathom before I started at my firm. But even harder is thinking for that long. Around 4 p.m., my brain tends to go to mush & doing substantive work gets much harder. I would love to get better at long stretches of creative thinking & writing, but it's gonna take practice.

At the same time that I am getting used to the legal profession, I have to face the fact that my position at my firm is based on a one-year contract. Normally, I wouldn't be worried that my firm would keep me on, but there is a perfect storm of lack of offices, associates not moving on, a partner taking a long (non-billing) leave of absence, and associates asking for raises that leads me to believe my days at my firm will be numbered.

In short, this is grown-up time. I have to work harder, try more, do more, accomplish more. Competing at this level is tough and it is an adjustment for me. But worse is the unknown. I really have no idea what the future holds for me and my daily path is so full of anxiety. But this is what it means to be grown up. I just have to remember that there are lots of people in this race & I need to prove myself every day.

Just Keep Swimming

I came home sick from work this morning. As a consequence, I had an entire day without a single distraction from my own mind. That usually leads to nothing good. I have been contemplating my life & my choices. The conclusion I came to is...I think too much. I am too earnestly wondering if I am happy, if I made the right choices. It is all so labor-intensive and navel-y.

Individually, yes, I stand by my life's choices. In small doses, though, everything takes so much time & requires so much energy. And, after all my effort, I don't always win. I don't always have finesse, I don't always have the answer or check all the details as thoroughly as I should.

In the end, I decided to let it go. Let go of my ideas about what success should look like and instead focus on what it does look like. The truth is that these past years have looked very different from what I imagined. But there is no denying it-- I am already living my dream. It just looks a bit different, in the same way a postcard never captures the essence of a place.

Of Hairstyles & Saturdays

I went to the salon this morning to try out hairstyles for my sister's wedding & ended up loving this very retro look. After leaving the salon, I decided to keep my hair up while Monster & I walked around downtown running errands. It was fantastic to see people's reactions to my hair, especially older women who I noticed were staring the most. I imagine it reminded them of when ladies did their hair everyday & kept up a glamorous look.

For me, it would be great--but exhausting--to be fully "on" everyday. But it was fun today to play dress up.

Strategy for Work

I have been so tired at work lately--especially around 3:30 - 4 PM. I think I should plan to edit during that time instead of writing a document. My mind is sharper in the morning than in the afternoon.

Tomorrow is a holiday & I must: bake cookies, write a speech, run errands, find some legal documents, etc. It will be nice to have a short week, though!

My Return to Blogging

After the devastating news that I failed the Bar, I pretty much stopped blogging for a few months. It wasn't that I couldn't think of anything worthy to blog about, but I felt that I was tempting fate by blogging when my world was falling apart. What if I wrote something optimistic on my blog & the next day I learned I failed one of my exam re-dos? How stupid would I feel when I re-read what I had written?

Even now, I am still in the midst of Bar re-writes. I wrote one exam and will write the other either in January or March. But, because I passed the first re-write, I am feeling more optimistic and ready to return to my life in full force.

So, what have I learned? More than anything else, I have learned about the unbelievable physical toll that worry can have on my body. When I first learned that I had to retake parts of the Bar, I knew that the next few months would be really stressful & I tried to think of ways to cope with the stress. But, once my whole world became an anxious ball of worry, I suddenly had to cope with much more than stress. For instance, one morning I woke up with a neck strain. I wore a heated pad on my neck and shoulder for the next few days. A week or two later, while watching a movie with Monster, I was distracted by my worries and suddenly--while sitting on the couch watching a move--my neck went out again!

Last week, I woke up with a lot of pain in my jaw. It was hard to open and close my jaw and the muscles just ached. It took two days for that pain to dissipate but again, I am pretty sure it was anxiety-related as I have never had a problem with my jaw before.

The take away is that I need to learn to control stress better. Yoga is something Monster and I are pursing together and I should probably explore other ways to relieve stress. I already work out four times a week, which helps, but maybe I need to keep fiction by my bedside, too? Read and leave my body.

The Daily Squashy - Monkey Edition

The Daily Squishy - Bumblebee Edition

Pulling Hard

I have been engaging with a certain someone on a very personal topic. We have very different perspectives. During one correspondence, this person opined that they believed I was very fragile, very vulnerable. Huh. I don't think of myself this way at all. Emotional yes, and maybe even a bit clingy in my marriage. But fragile? I don't think I would characterize myself as such.

My perspective on my life is that I have had to overcome much adversity. When I got over something that was holding me back, another challenging life presented itself. And when difficulties arose in that new life, I think I've done my best to respond to them head on, face them, and keep going.

However, even if I don't agree with this person's perspective, I am glad to have it. I would love to figure out what drove him or her to make such unique decisions in life and it would be interesting to know how those decisions are justified internally. I don't need to know and no one owes me access to such personal internal processes. But it would be healing for me to get a bit more insight into this person.

"I Want to be the Next..."

I went to a networking function for those in my profession and met up with a friend who told me they have a new intern. The intern in question is going to law school this year. She asked this friend if she knew me and told this friend that she wanted to be the next "Me Mylastname." Apparently, I inspired her to go to law school. And no, I don't think I've met her but damn! That is the most flattering thing I can think of.

If only she knew how much it sucks to be me.

Work

Another day of legal research! I love my firm and the cases we take on are so interesting to me. But, maud help me, I hate legal research. It's not my thang. I sit there and I look stuff up and I think and write but it is not my passion. I am waiting and hoping for the day when I can do more substantial stuff.

The Daily Squishy -- 2nd Birthday Edition

Monster & I traveled to Vancouver Island this morning to be a part of my darling Squishy's second birthday. I was hesitant to interact too much with the Squishy at first, as I heard she sometimes felt overwhelmed by too much attention. Well, not this weekend. She was glorious! She made us laugh with her goofy, sweet, squishy faces, her knowledge of animal sounds and her ability to repeat everything we said--either immediately or much later.

It is wonderful to see this little girl develop a unique personality and it's fantastic to have more than a transient role in her life. I will be there for her as she leaves toddlerhood, enters her preschool years and then starts school. And so will five other aunts, as we each bring our own perspectives to her life.

I didn't take a picture of the Squashy on my camera, so I don't have one to upload with this post. She was so tiny, so little. And she reminded me of how fast babies grow, as the Squishy was that little in my very recent memory. And now she is walking around, talking and joking with us.

Baby Steps

Today was the first day I felt semi-competent at my firm. Six weeks in, people! Of course, due to my glorious Bar results, I can never feel real competency but I felt the next best thing today--dealing with real clients, writing letters, explaining law.

If only I could really know for sure that I will get to where I want to go, this year might be palatable to me. Even still, I am bonding with the people at my firm slowly. I would be a lot more confident and self-assured if I wasn't so, you know, boned.

The Daily Squishy

Almost two years old & already a big sister. She's delighted!

The Daily Squashy

About a week old.

I am So Much Stronger than I Thought

A few weeks ago, I looked out the window of my apartment onto the twinkling lights of the city and was filled with happiness. My life was good: everything was going so well. "Enjoy these moments while they last," I thought.

Well, I was right. I should enjoy such moments of happiness because my life is kind of horrible right now. I have passing the PLTC assignments -- OR ELSE -- hanging over my head. My days at work are so uncertain. Will they keep me, do they like me, what will happen next? And my relationship with my mother has taken a definite turn for the worse. And the scariest part is, I am really okay with that. I don't really want her in my life anymore.

So, all that to say, things are bad. I spent the day today reading through arbitration hearings on medical disability at work. A lot of the people detailed in the report had crippling emotional issues which overcame their work life for a period of time. So, why not me? How is it that I am dealing with all that I am dealing with and still find a reason to get up everyday?

I think it's because I have Monster, who is wonderful to me and fills my life with acceptance, security and love. But also, it's me. It's my own ability to rise above. People have told me for years that I am strong but I thought it was just one of those meaningless compliments we give each other in tough times. After all, no one really knows if someone else is strong, you just hope they are and want to give them the confidence to try. But today, I felt strong. I felt powerful enough to overcome the scary bad things happening in my life and rise above.

There is so much comfort in knowing that I can make it through the times when things get bad.

The (First Ever!) Daily Squashy

Charlotte Grace (The Squashy) was born September 7 in the early hours of dawn. I cannot wait to get to know you, Little Girl, and watch you discover the world.

The Daily Squishy

I Failed

I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed. Gah. It is so painful. I failed the Bar. Well, two of six parts of the Bar anyway. This means I must go see a tutor and then re-write those parts. Ironically, the parts I failed are the very activities that make up my days in the law firm--legal writing.

I was so confident that I passed, so pleased that I had worked so hard, that I still can't believe that passing the Bar isn't reality. My firm knows I failed, I'm humiliated. If I fail again, I will be unable to practice law in this province.

I am exhausted with the sheer weight of this failure. I am disappointed in myself, angry that I had no hint this was coming, sad that I disappointed my firm, scared that I may not be able to practice law here (worse case scenario).

And yet, there are little peeks of another perspective. Failure gives me a glimpse of myself as I never choose to me--weak, frail, human. I always felt so strong and confident in my abilities. I knew that I was leading my own destiny. And now, I'm not really sure what will happen next.

I saw Forrest Gump when it first came out in 1994. I went to see it at the movie theater with my biological father and his wife, along with friends. There is this one scene in FG that I remembered this morning when trying to work/process my new reality. In the scene, Forrest is visiting his wife's grave and ruminating on what guides us through life:

"Jenny, I don't know if mama was right, or if it's Lieutenant Dan, I don't know if we each have a destiny or if we're all just floatin' around accidental like on a breeze... but i think, maybe it's both. Maybe both are happening at the same time..."

That's how I feel right now. Both are happening at the same time.

Articling Year

A side view of the office building wherein my firm is housed. The "Sun Tower."









The Bar exams have been written--hopefully for the last time, and I am into life at a law firm. I started last week, came in for Monday's training and orientation and then--bam! Tuesday morning I was assigned a pretty intense workload. I worked long days all week, from 8 AM til 8 or 9 PM most days and weekends are pretty much guaranteed to be at the firm at least a few times a month.

It was so interesting to me to have a record of my law school years through this blog. I would love to record my years as a new lawyer in the same way, but the challenge is in keeping the posts frequent in spite of my hectic schedule.]

I will do my best as I love having this blog, I love reading over where my head was at during a particular time in my life. There is so much I have forgotten already! Some details have been completely forgotten. I benefit from this blog, and so I will keep writing.

I'm Coming Back!

...just a few more days until I finish my last Bar exam (hopefully forever).

Surprise! It IS the journey.

I am laying in bed, resting. These past eight weeks as I've studied for the Bar have been intense. So intense that I have given up blogging for awhile. I have hard, heavy days of studying in my immediate future & the prospect of taking the Bar exam is terrifying.

But in the months since I left law school & ventured in baby steps towards the profession, my study has been interrupted by one thought, "When will I feel proud of myself?"

I wasn't expecting to feel accomplished at my undergrad ceremony because getting a Bachelor's degree was just another step on my way to getting my law degree. But my law degree was different. My law degree was the one millionth step after eight years of steps towards that piece of paper. It was the culmination of years of getting up early and going to bed late, years of writing papers and studying for finals and going to class after work. The moment I sat with my graduating law class in that glorious rotund hall, I should have felt the cumulative effect of all those tiny sacrifices.

But I didn't.


Eleven years ago, I woke up in Zimbabwe & decided I had to change my life. Since my earliest years, I always had a goal. I believed that hard times were coming worldwide, but that I had a special calling. As I grew up, I tried very hard to heed this calling. I shaped and molded myself every day into the person I thought I should be. I sacrificed and toiled in order to reach this goal.

While the quest to mold myself was futile in the end, the truth was that I loved the lifestyle. I loved the discipline of living your life everyday for a greater purpose. I loved testing my limits and becoming stronger and more able to endure. At the time, my goal seemed challenging but achievable & my motivation was consistent.

But then it was gone. I stopped believing in my childhood goal & I drifted aimlessly for awhile: first to Canada, then down to Fort Lauderdale. In Florida, I entertained myself, I puttered with work and school. I went to parties and danced & went shopping. And I was lost. I had lost my spark and I was just waiting for someone to discover me and help me figure out what to do next.

Then, eight years ago, I confronted myself with my delusions, my laziness. I decided it was time to strike out again. I decided I would go to law school. The idea of law school was alien and terrifying. The idea of getting into law school preposterous. But there it was--the old familiar burning desire to give a new challenge my all.

I enrolled in community college in Florida and slowly worked through remedial math classes. I went to school from 9 - 3, then ate dinner & drove to work to start my 5 - 2 AM shifts at the airport. After a few years of earning high grades, I transferred to a small private university & eventually won a scholarship to study in Europe. I read, ate and conversed my way through my so much interesting new material.

And then law school in Vancouver. So hard, so all-encompassing. I was not prepared for the competition and pressure and I cried a lot my first year. But, eventually, I settled in and became a joiner. I discovered my inner politician in student government and I helped mediated small business claims at the courthouse. I became close to some of my professors and learned the politics of academia, I tried to write more crisply, and immersed myself in the history, depth and breadth of our legal system. I thought and dreamed and interviewed and wrote. And then I graduated. And then I started studying for the Bar...

What I was waiting for during my law school graduation was that moment of pure pleasure when you realize the hard times were worth it. But I didn't get it from my graduation.

It turns out, I was looking in the wrong place.

It is not the fact of the law degree in my hand that could bring me satisfaction. Rather, it was the presence of the goal. The goal of joining the legal profession was what took me from a lost, lazy young woman to an ambitious new attorney. Instead of waiting for someone to find me interesting, I got interested. Instead of waiting for the next thing to come along, I picked the thing I wanted to come along and found it.

Having a goal has saved me. Having and keeping a concrete goal in front of me is the thing. Having the goal has made me and shaped me and when I think about how far my goal has taken me, I swell with pride.

I Have No Idea Who He Is

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I Was Raised by People Like This

...and they weren't just my parents. :-)



A double rainbow! What does it meeeaaan?

The Daily Squishy

At 21 months.

No Postings for Awhile

Due to the stress of PLTC. See you when I've pulled out all my hair!

Websites I Love

Found on this website a friend posted on her facebook page. Love it!

It All Starts with An Argument

My Bar course is a lot of work. For example, yesterday, I was given an assignment that was due the next day. The assignment involved researching, drafting and presenting to "the court" (really just a volunteer lawyer) arguments for a civil trial. We were given the particulars & the law involved & sent home at 12:00. After lunch, I started looking through my materials. At 10 PM, I was still working. I went to bed & got up at 6 to finish my draft & practice my presentation before presenting at 9 AM. I guess what I am trying to say is...my Bar course is a lot of work.

However. Whenever I feel down about all this work smack in the middle of a beautiful summer, I remember that I actually want to work at my firm, that I am happy with my career choice, that I feel fulfilled by my work. I believe one lawyer can be more effective than a million demonstrators. Everything we have in our society--from sidewalks to the size of sidewalks to, well, everything, started as someone's argument. When I feel unhappy with my life, I need to remember that.

In Honor of Our "Second" Four-Year Anniversary

Monster & I got married twice in the space of eight days. The first was a legal ceremony in his parents backyard in Tampa. The second was a much bigger celebration in Oaxaca, Mexico.

Each year, we look at our schedules and decide which anniversary we'll celebrate. It's real convenient, as we aren't locked into one day out of the year.

So, today is our "second" forth anniversary. We didn't do anything special except mention it to each other with our morning good bye peck. A few minutes ago, while perusing one of my favorite blogs, I came across this entry about the blogger's own eight year marriage:

"...there is perhaps no greater compliment than to be expansively loved by someone who has seen you at your absolute worst and decided to stick around nonetheless. So we have moments where we squirm at being loved, or reject it outright in a fit of self-destructive pique, but it is the moments in which we can wear comfortably the love that is being offered that hang lastingly in my memory, and his, forming a web of connected points into which we can fall, our safety net, whenever we stumble.

Love is a joint pursuit, but an individual practice, which is what makes it difficult to sustain. There are moments when one person loves the other more, is more committed, is more invested, is more present. In these moments—or hours, or days, or indefinite stretches of threadbare emotional reserves—the intimacy that makes conversation feel combustible in the first flourishes of a romance can be elusive, seemingly every trace of its existence vanished from all but the faintest recollection.

And in these moments, one can do naught but gaze from the swaying cradle of the safety net up at the highwire where love resides, and think, 'I'm glad we had the foresight to build this fuckin' thing.'"

Absolutely glad! Happy second forth anniversary, Hunny.

Evidence of Its Truth

This picture is a bit late.
I am done with law school, y'all! And this lovely lady can attest to the truth of that statement with an eye-witness account.

Dunzo!

Strength from a Scrawny Kid

This has been an emotionally draining week. I've had to reach inside myself to find the strength to keep my spirits up & keep a happy face. And, to my amazement, when I look for strength, I notice that I I reach back to my childhood.

Now, its no secret that my childhood was not exactly a happy one. I had to endure a lot of stuff that I would rather not have gone through. But. That little girl that I once was turned out to be a little tough-y. She became resilient through adversity. And now, when I'm searching to remember what it feels like to panic on the inside but smile on the outside or to feel humiliated but still show up the next day, my muscle memory kicks in, and it kicks in because of that little, scrawny, homely kid.

I have not given her nearly enough credit.

Submitted Without Comment

http://thenextweb.com/shareables/2010/05/19/too-cool-for-the-internet/

It's Not My Job to Police Your Penis

This fantastic lady suggested I post on the topic of office dress. Specifically, being fired for dressing "too sexy" as a woman claimed in this article. While I find it difficult to believe Ms. Lorenzana was actually told by management that her attire was the reason they were terminating her employ, maybe they did. A company who provided such reasons may be in trouble for gender discrimination, but maybe not. That is not the issue I want to explore.

Instead, I want to talk about how this instance is just another in society's long history of holding women responsible for the inappropriate reactions of a man. Reactions that, in a sane world, would be his responsibility alone to police. If you click on the article above, you will notice the outfits Ms. Lorenzana wore were not inappropriate for her office job. They were clean, smartly tailored, dark suits & skirts. The problem was, they just fit her too well. Her body & the way her body fit inside her clothes, inspired the male gaze. She was punished because otherwise men would have to be accountable for their own sense of distraction.

This is what living in a patriarchy looks like. This is what male privilege looks like.

The idea behind the burqa & the reasons for which Ms. Lorenzana was allegedly fired are fundamentally the same: women forced to take on the responsibility for the male urge. Women forced to see themselves as a man sees them and react according to male input. In reality, it is the sole responsibility of an adult--any adult--to make sure they are reacting appropriately towards another human being. Should an adult feel they cannot control their urges, they should remove themselves from a situation--not force the blame onto another.

While its true that Western women have come much further in equality than our counterparts in other parts of the world, the forces we confront daily are the same. It should not be our responsibilities to dress "ugly" enough to not arose a man but not so ugly as to displease a man. It is just not our responsibility. Women should be able to dress appropriately for our positions at work regardless of whether or breasts have abundant fatty tissue or very little & regardless of how our hips fit into our skirts. Women should be able to focus on their jobs 100%, without wondering how all the males in the office are handling seeing them in a pencil skirt.






I chose this picture of Ms.Lorenzana because its is nearly identical--down to the big bootay inside it--to the dress I wore to my Bar course today.

Inspiration!

I go to this website for decorating inspiration. The pairing ideas are so fresh & original. And I love the name of the website--the Department of the Interior. Everything about this website is cute. And it updates regularly.

Don't Blink

Right now, as I wait for Monster to get home so we can go out to dinner, I am hungrily watching No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain on The Food Network. In this episode, Bourdain is in Chicago sampling the chili dogs, smoked fish & deep-dish pizza that are ubiquitously Chicago. And, oh my god! My love of Chicago came rushing back to me in a whoosh!

I was born in Chicago but left when I was a baby. Later, I lived there when I was nineteen, in Hyde Park. Recently, I found out that I had very famous neighbors--the current President & First Lady! And Chicago was glorious for me! There was Taste of Chicago, a food fair, there were boat rides off Lakeshore Drive & The University of Chicago was not far away. But the food--the food--was amazing. Chicago has a big Mexican population & there were plenty of places where you could get authentic Mexican food & Tex-Mex served cheap & delicious. There were plenty of innovative hot dog stands & frozen bananas. I wasn't into fine dining at that point, I just wanted something hot, quick & delicious & boy, did Chicago deliver.

One night, when coming out of a Mexican restaurant downtown, I glanced up at the big, brightly-lit high rises around me & was awash in pure happiness. I felt at home in this exciting place, surrounded by friends who were like family to me. What I didn't know was that the moment was fleeting. I would love to go back to Chicago, but I know it would now be a different place. The people I loved there have moved away. Some of them have passed away & I think of them often. I can never really go back.

But in that moment in early 1994 in downtown Chicago, I felt a surge of happiness & peace that has stayed with me for...sixteen years. And that is worth it all.

Fourth Wedding Anniversary Dinner & First Weekend Back to Work

Here is where we are having dinner tonight to celebrate our forth anniversary. I have been craving baba ganoush lately. And lamb! It's such a great thing to celebrate--four years married to the Monster! It's been pretty awesome, all things considered.

When I met him, I knew right away that he would be important in my life. And from the start, my relationship with him was different than with past boyfriends. Monster let me know how much I meant to him. Always. There were no games. He was happy to let me know he wanted to be with me. After a few months of spending most of our time together, he invited me to move in some of my stuff. He didn't do the whole fake-anxiety bit about bringing in a toothbrush. And now, we're married. I hope we get many, many more years together.

Other that planning an anniversary dinner, this has been a pretty busy weekend. The Bar course neglected to mention that weekends were included in our lesson plan (although there are no classes, we are expected to complete our assignments during the weekend.). My classmates & I have scrambled to get used to working through the week & weekend without a break. Constant workdays was something I prepared myself for a law student but, when I graduated, I sort of assumed those days were behind me. At least, I thought consecutive work weekends would be a thing of the past. Oh well.

Over the course of the weekend, I spent a lot of time in the four gray walls of the law courts' library. Last night, after plugging away on my project for eight hours, Monster & I decided to soak up the remaining sun & took a walk down to English Bay. The beach was full of people enjoying the late summer evening & Monster & I savoured gelato & pizza. We sat on a blanket we brought with us & people-watched while others flew kits or played with their dogs. It's so fantastic to have those little moments where you can "sneak some summer" in.

This morning, after a tough but satisfying 3.5 mile hike on the elliptical, I headed back to the library to finish my research. It's been raining a lot, a very peaceful rain. I got home, cleaned up the apartment a little, then took a nice nap. Awake again, I am about to get some coffee & then finish my trusts accounts reading from last week.

Technical Difficulties

For some reason, after changing my template, I can no longer post pictures. I will try to fix this ASAP. Until then, my posts will be plain.

Edited to Add: fixed it!

What's Cookin'

Here is tonight's dinner. Quick & easy. I've been wanting to make coleslaw for awhile. Since Monster hates mayo, I set it rice vinegar. In the end, the slaw turned out crisp & briny. Yum. The crunchy texture of the slaw has a refreshing lime bite.
















Cabbage Slaw

2 cups finely shredded green cabbage
1/2 cup thinly sliced red bell pepper
1/3 cup thinly sliced red onion
2 tablespoons seasoned rice vinegar
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground pepper

Toss cabbage, bell pepper, onion, vinegar and oil in a large bowl. Season with salt and pepper; toss again to combine.

This slaw was perfect for pairing with cilantro-limo prawn tacos. The soft, fragrant, slightly-spicy chewiness of the prawns were perfect against the bite of the slaw.
















3/4 pound medium shrimp, peeled, de-veined
2 Tablespoons salsa verde
1 fresh lime
salt
fresh ground pepper
lots of chili pepper

Mix all together & cook until shrimp is pink. I am a big fan of using half a marinade to soak the meat & the other half in the cooking process. I think it adds a greater intensity of flavor. Intensity is my thing, but it may not be yours'. I wish I had made these tacos spicier. If that is your thing, add more chili powder or chili flakes.


Add ons:

Besides the tacos, I made:

"Refried" black beans:
1 (15-ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained (I drained the liquid, then heated up some bacon grease that I have been happily holding onto for a few weeks. When the grease was hot, I added the beans & then mashed them up a little & added some salt).
Guacamole:
1 avocado, red onion, lime, garlic salt (I would have used fresh garlic but when I fetched it from the fridge, I noticed it was stale), fresh ground pepper to taste.

[Note: pics are not mine. Found on Google Image.]

Borderline Harrassment?

In today's ethics class, we went over a hypothetical where a partner at a firm was commenting on female associates physiques & mannerisms & standing behind them to rub their shoulders. We were split into groups to research statutes from the Professional Conduct Handbook what statutes prohibit such behavior.

During our discussions afterward, one male student commented that the behavior in question was "borderline harassment." A female student in his group stopped him to clarify that such behavior was indeed harassment. Not borderline harassment (whatever that is.) Many women around the room nodded in agreement. This prompted another male colleague to angrily ask if this hypothetical conduct was enough to "ruin someone's career over."

This exchange was interesting to me because of the disparity between what women & men perceive as sexual harassment. For women, I think that harassment is defined for many of us as any kind of unwanted attention with a sexual overtone (from remarks about a woman's body to unwanted touching). For some of the men in my class, I think the threshold is much higher--maybe more along the lines of overt harassment (blatant sexual touching). Also, for at least one male student, harassment was not a big deal, certainly not egregious enough to report to a higher up & risk "ruining someone's career."

I think it has a lot to do with what is at stake for each party. For women, dignity & self-esteem is at stake. One's self-worth affects all aspects of one's life & workplace. Thus, sexual harassment can invade how you feel about yourself in your personal life and at work. Sexual harassment is a big deal. For men, who maybe don't deal with a lot of negative attention in their daily lives, they perhaps cannot picture how disruptive harassment can be. Instead, they see the reporting of harassment as the greater problem, as it can damage someone's career over something so "small".

I Will Seek Professional Help

PLTC provides a councilor available to discuss PLTC-induced anxiety. I am making an appointment for next week.

Yesterday was my first day of PLTC & I studied for three hours after class. Surprise! I get to class & realize that was just the morning's readings. I had neglected to notice another hour or so of readings for the afternoon class.

Today, after five hours of class, I wrote an assignment (assigned today, due tomorrow), then went to the library in the courthouse to read for, well, as long as it took (it took four hours.) The courthouse closes at 4:30. The Law Society gave me a card which allows me to stay at the library 24 hours a day. I showed this to the security guard & she gave me an access card in exchange for my driver's license.

Later, I went to the bathroom. It was pitch black. All the lights had been turned off, apparently, when the courthouse closed. I found a cleaning person & asked how to turn on the lights. She had no idea. So, I went in and felt along the walls. Nothing. Finally, I just guided myself into a stall using my hands. There are no light switches in the bathroom or around the bathroom. There is no bathroom in the library. It was not a fun place to be.

By 7:30, there was only one person there besides me. I finished my reading, packed my stuff (1 backpack & one large purse worth) and looked for the exit. Emergency exit, emergency exit, an elevator which goes down as far as the third floor (I was on the third floor). Nothing else. So, I went back in the library, found the other person in there & asked how to get out. He was kind enough to show me the way down the hall, down another hall & at the end of a corridor. I doubt I would have found the way out myself & it was all starting to feel very creepy & isolated. I met another security guard on the second floor & eventually convinced her to give me back my driver's license.

I will not be going back there at night if I can help it. Instead, I think I'll try to find a student who will join me at the big city library. That way, we can watch each other's stuff.

In the meantime, I'm trying to prepare myself for a summer of pure misery.

Bar Attack

So...I started my Bar course today. Wow. I knew it was going to be work, I just didn't expect the amount of work. It is like being hit with a crowbar, I am so nervous about the never-ending readings, the fact that every handout, every piece of paper is examinable, that we are supposed to know the salient details of thousands & thousands of pieces of paper. I'm not ready for this--it's too much! I haven't prepared myself sufficiently.

On top of it all, I feel myself getting sick. I would like to go to bed early but sunlight is still beaming strong between the window slats. For all practical purposes, it's summer & that means the sun doesn't set until 10 PM or later.

Ugh.

Thanks, BP oil!

Found in the window of a New Orleans bakery. Now that "top kill" efforts have failed, BP oil execs are projecting that it may be August before the gushing oil is plugged with something. Does anyone else feel like it is the end of days?

"Law school has a way of sometimes sapping the curiosity right out of someone."

I read that sentence here and what a relief! I thought this phenomena--of reading about something or hearing it on the news & having absolutely no interest in finding out more--was my own private shame. The author of the linked post is referencing a particular feminist author she studied in law school but I think this lack-of-curiosity can translate more broadly.

What kept me from being more curious? Maybe it was the fact that I was taking multiple courses each term. Month after month, it was all I could do to keep up with readings, researching topics, completing little assignments, writing drafts of major term papers etc. When a news item came up in a facebook thread or in discussions with friends, I just wasn't that interested in following up to learn more about that specific topic, even if it interested me. But what kind of lawyer will I be if I don't have a nuanced grasp on the issues which might possibly face me & my colleagues? And what kind of citizen am I if I don't understand important parliamentary procedures? So far, it's pretty much been background noise in my student-life. And my student life is not over--I start my Bar courses on Monday. Maybe I will continue to stick to the extracurricular topics that most interest me: feminism, American politics, cooking & fashion & drown out the rest.

But, now that I've moved on from law school & after I finish the Bar, I should expand my interests. There must be room in my life for more topics of interest. To make it easier on myself, I've decided to follow a few Canadian legal blogs & research the stuff that pops up in twitter feeds & facebook threads. By expanding my interests & follow up on stories I've heard, I hope I can become more well-rounded--both as a lawyer & as a citizen. And as a kick-ass person.

The Daily Squishy

With flower. 20 months.

Paddle Hard!

I had my convocation ceremony yesterday. All morning long, before the ceremony, I had a sinking feeling that something bad would happen. But that's just nerves, right? What can actually go wrong at a simple convocation ceremony? They call your name, shake your hand & then you sit down all graduated-like.


"Demon" Montgomery. That is how I was announced as I stood to take my place on stage for all to see. Demon! As in Satan's minion. My face got hot & my hands flushed & I felt like a politician in the midst of a sex scandal--outed & humiliated in front of everyone.

And I immediately had to pretend that I was fine with it. That my one moment of recognition after three years of work & toil & more work wasn't that important to me. That I didn't really, really want to hear my name--my legal name--read out in association with my degree. I had to pretend I was in on the joke. I mean, I have a strange name, I get it. I have a nickname that is pronounced differently than my legal name. But there was something about hearing my name with the correct pronunciation that meant a lot to me. It meant I was more than the sum of my weird hippie-dippy name. It was a part of me being taken seriously by my community as a law grad & future lawyer. I did care. A lot. And it broke my heart. There were people in that audience who never liked me & my brash, outspoken persona. I had a few enemies & I was acutely aware that they were there to witness me being brought down a few pegs.

That was yesterday. Since then, I've been thinking about all the wonderful, talented, fantastic people in my life who have suffered far worse humiliation & set backs than I. And by far worse, I mean light-years beyond a botched name announcement. The loss of a much-desired child--not once, but three times , the sting & uncertainty of a humiliating D.U.I., a cherished spouse lost to addiction. In each instance, their example to me has been this: they revel in the horror of it all for a short while, letting themselves truly feel it. Then they get up, dust themselves off & keep living. In doing so, they prove to themselves & to me that they are made of tougher stuff & mere humiliation, set back, loss & heartbreak cannot bind them forever. My friends & family have resilience. It comforted me then & I borrowed it from them today, in my small dilemma. So, moving on.

Coming to law school is like a novice learning to row. Over the years, you get the materials to build your rowboat. Then, you learn some rowing techniques. Finally, when you graduate, they give you a paddle. This is your chance to show your stuff. And so, I am paddling as hard as I can away from law school & any & all bad memories & towards my future.

The Daily Squishy

Twenty-month old Squishy with Mommy. Squashy is still in the oven.

Wow!

My mother-in-law just gave me this.

Monster's Parents Visit

If I am light on posting, it is because we are awaiting the arrival of Monster's mom & dad. They are here for five days & we have a lot of activities planned during that time.

Lost Series Finale Tonight

I started watching Lost three episodes into its first season, in 2004. I loved this show--saw every episode--and contemplated the mysteries of The Island for six years. This season, my love has waned. Lost has disappointed me too many times: with its unresolved mysteries & plot holes and most of all because a show that originally included a diverse cast has come down to The Battle of The White Dudes.

How my feelings for this show have changed can be summed up in this hilarious & brilliant rant from feministe:


SADY: But I say unto you, Jill, it is not given to us to question the Assumption of Jack into godhood; Jack hath been selected from among us by The Writers, who do not giveth a fuck that he be the most loathed of all their creation. For the viewership did cry out to The Writers, “Kill him! Let his blood be shed on the ground!” And The Writers said, “No.” And the viewers did cry out, “we prefer Hurley! Let him be chosen to lead us!” And the writers said, “No.” And the viewers said, “You have brought among us great suffering; you have slain our women, and cast out from among us the people of color, exploding and/or drowning three in one episode, for which we have not ceased our mourning; your only gay character hath been a villain, who hath not even been in that many episodes; you have suffered smoke monsters, and fire, and sea, and Ana-Lucia, to lay waste to those we loved. And yet among us, Jack is still standing, though we have cried out unto you he is a douche. Why must this be so? Why is Jack chosen from among us to be the Messiah?” And The Writers said, “lo, he is a white dude. And those ALWAYS have to be the heroes, silly!” And the viewers did lose their faith in this show.

Whitewater Rafting on the Green River

Monkeyin' Around in the Whistler Trees

We came to Whistler looking for fun, challenging things to do. Today, a three & a half hour tree top obstacle course was our mission. It started out relatively easy with climbing & zip-lining short distances. The course steadily got At first, I wasn't sure we (I) could complete the "expert" level part of the course. It involved various balls, logs & pulleys set up eighty feet above ground. Strapped into our harnesses (which we secured ourselves to various cables)

Lost Lagoon & Stopping to Remember

Today was Monster's second day of vacation & we celebrated by sleeping in, puttering around our apartment & then walking to Nando's Restaurant for lunch. Nando's was my favorite restaurant when I lived in South Africa & the food is still delicious. Whenever we go there, it brings back happy memories of good friends & spicy fries.

We ate, then took a walk over to the West End. Arriving at English Bay, we turned on Denman. It was then that I saw a sunny street lined with trees & flowering scrubs. "I've never gone gone that way before," I told Monster. So, we explored.

We discovered that this grassy, leafy lane filled with older-but-well-maintained apartments led directly to Stanley Park's Lost Lagoon. There, we came upon an empty park bench abutting the lagoon. For the next half-hour or so, we watched the swans, ducks, geese & seagalls as they flitted & floated in the water. It was a sunny day & we held hands as we silently watched the graceful wildlife before us.

Life in the city moves so fast, my career is demanding, there is so much on the internet & T.V. to process. And then there are moments like today at the lagoon, when times seems to slow. During these slow times, the fantastic reality of my life sinks in: the person I married makes me laugh everyday, the city I live in is dynamic, peaceful, gorgeous, my family is close & I am a real part of their lives, I have challenging work ahead & the support I need to succeed in it.

During these times of quiet, I can take time to absorb, to be grateful for how much I have, to appreciate the people who love me & make my life worthwhile.

Vacation Again!

Monster is off from work for the next two weeks, in which time we will be kayaking, going to Whistler for three days (& engaging in a obstacle course set up in the trees!) & then hosting his parents who are here for my graduation ceremony next Thursday.

I don't know how much I'll be blogging during that time. Hopefully, I'll pop in from time to time to post pictures & whatnot.

On Worth

I read an article the other day about negotiating salary increases. After reading it, I thought, "F--k. I have never done that." I have never negotiated salary: not when I was babysitting (I don't think I ever even asked for minimum wage or had the thought cross my mind), not in my first few hourly jobs. I took what I was given & was grateful. Full stop.

Even when discussing salary for my current position, I had the embarrassment of low-balling myself. My interviewer told me, after I named my desired yearly salary, that they were actually offering $25,000 above that. With years of experience in the legal field & two degrees, why did I think so little of myself as a worker?

Why do I do this? Why don't I have a higher sense of my own worth? I work really hard & fully devote myself to my work. I love the satisfaction & challenge of work. Why then do I have no legitimate expectations when it comes to my salary? Part of it is fear of rejection during negotiation. Part of it, I'm sure, has to do with being a woman in a patriarchal environment. Men are told to go for it--ask. Assertion & self-confidence = strength. Women are told to be polite. Some women are called-out as too aggressive or domineering when they ask for a raise or promotion.

I don't want to just passively take what is given to me. I want to fight for my value & worth. But I am still sorting through layers of psyche when it comes to being assertive for myself. And I don't even know where to start.

Products I Love--Vitamin C Micro Refiner

This past weekend, while shopping in Whistler with my friends, I came across a great promotion at The Body Shop: five products for the price of three. While I usually only buy body butter from The Body Shop, this time I was determined to make the most of the five for three deal & seek out new products.

And that is how I came upon the most amazing scrub I have ever tried. The first thing I noticed about the micro refiner was the subtle orange smell. It had the consistency of a thick cream & was saturated with super-fine scrubbing particles that didn't dissolve in water but stayed put until you decided to rinse them away.

When I first applied this to my face, I was expecting a tingle or sting but instead, it just felt slightly uncomfortable, like when you scrub your skin with something hard. It was comfortable on my face, but at the same time, I could feel that it was removing dead layers of skin (it might be too harsh for sensitive skin).

Then, I tried it on my knees. Using just a dab, I was surprised to notice the thick skin lightening substantially as I scrubbed. On my legs & ankles, the same thing--a subtle lightening as layers of dead skin were gone in moments. When I got out of the shower & moisturized, my skin felt better to the touch than I could ever remember. It was soft & smooth & my face looked really refreshed. The clogged pores on my nose were cleaner and smoother. My overall complexion seemed brighter. I know I would be overstating it to say this scrub was like a revelation but...this scrub was like a revelation! I couldn't believe something that worked so well could be produced for the masses!

Not that it is cheap. The regular retail price is $22. But since you can use a very little bit for big results, it is worth it for someone like me with aging & uneven skin who doesn't want to spend the money on professional microdermabrasion just yet.

Off To Whistler

Tonight, I am heading to Whistler with some friends from law school. We are going to grill out, sleep, drink & explore Whistler's shops & eateries. This has been a really fantastic week--I have finally relaxed & eased into life after law school. Last night, Monster & I went out for Ethiopian food with a friend from my firm. The food was delicious & spicy & eaten with hands--perfect!

In other news, the worst case scenario of the Gulf Oil spill is that the seafloor will give way, causing an "earth extinction event." Fun times! So if I don't see you again, it's been a really great four years of blogging. I've loved keeping track of my life this way.

Stay-cation

Monster has had a few days off work & we've been exploring the city. Both yesterday & today, we took a random walk that ended up lasting two hours, during which time we explored favorite parts of the city. It's hard to pick an absolute favorite, as Vancouver is just so beautiful. We also went some new places. It's amazing that I'm seeing a lot of new things, considering I've lived here for nearly three years.

Here is Monster & me, respectively, on the seawall after eating breakfast at a little Italian coffee place yesterday.

































Later that day, we watched Iron Man 2, then walked down to The West End & down to Stanley Park. We turned right at Stanley Park (taking a left brings you into the Park) & walked along a bike/jog path near the water in Coral Harbour. Here is a view of the North Shore:















When walking by the convention center, we spotted this giant Lego-like orca:




















This morning, we took the sea bus over to Granville Island. For breakfast, I had a giant spicy sausage from one of the vendors and Monster ordered eggs, hash browns & toast from one of the little kioks overlooking False Creek. We explored the farmer's market for awhile, then took a walk on False Creek for two hours, admiring the architecture of the townhouses & condos we saw along the way, planning doggy-routes for our very-much longed for pet & talking about our future. Exhausted, when we got back home, we both collapsed into two-hour naps, then woke up & got burgers. It was so much fun & I am so feeling like a teenager right now!

It's Kagan!

It is not a great surprise to any U.S. Court Watcher that President Obama selected Elana Kagan as his nominee for the Stevens vacancy on the Supreme Court.


Prior to her current position as U.S. Solicitor General, Kagan served as the Dean at Harvard Law & earlier, as a law professor at the University of Chicago. She has never been a judge.


I have three thoughts on this. Ok, maybe four:

1) I am disappointed Obama did not go with a clear ideological liberal like Diane Wood. While Republican presidents tend to choose unwavering conservatives for SCOTUS, Democratic presidents prefer middle-of-the-road nominees. This phenomena can work to sway the Court even further to the Right.

2) Kagan's nomination is yet another indication that President Obama is a moderate. If you look at his actions during the course of his presidency, it is clear that he is most definitely not the most socialist, liberal, radical Prez ever. In fact, his stance on equality, disarmament, executive power, etc, is uncannily ideologically aligned with Reagan--a Republican. Kagan is a strong believer in expanding executive power & this surely appeals to Obama.

3) It doesn't concern me that Kagan has never been a judge before. In the past, many non-judges were nominated to the Supreme Court & performed competency. I think, so long as a nominee has a legal education, it is not necessary to have past experience as a judge--although, hopefully, such experience would give us greater insight into her political leanings.

3) Kagan has written arguments in favour of curtailing certain Constitutional freedoms. She proposes that the First Amendment, for instance, be modified to reflect the nation's values on "moral" speech. Now, we already have this balancing of constitutional rights in Canada through Section 1 of The Charter. Canada's Section 1 guarantees all enumerated constitutional rights provided that these freedoms are subject "to such reasonable limits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society." This balancing has worked pretty well in Canada, in my opinion. However, I note that the Constitution of the United States sets out no such limitations. Tacking them on through judicial review is problematic to me. It would be a clear case of The Court stepping into a legislative role. It would be judicial activism at its worst.


I imagine that any Obama nominee will face a tough Senate hearing, as I have noted in other blog posts. However, Kagan is pretty well regarded by most Republican & Democratic Senators alike. Unless she really blows it, she will most likely be confirmed by the end of the summer.

Lawyering-While-Female.

I read this a minute ago at Southern Female Lawyer. It's about a lawyer's struggle to be taken seriously at the firm when lawyering-while-female. Her post is about how hard it is for her when her colleagues don't take her work seriously & objectify her. She laments that the world hasn't substantially changed its sexist viewpoint & the difficulties this creates.

After reading her post, I had to reflect on my own experiences. My first year of law school, the sexism was pretty blatant coming from some of my male classmates. However, 5 out of 6 of our first year professors were women, and some were active feminists in the community. The Dean of our law school is an out lesbian, as was the Associate Dean. There was a weekly feminist speaker series where a variety of issues affecting a diversity of women were discussed in detail. I also noticed that most of our school's competitive moot teams & team coaches were women. In short, I was surrounded by a lot of strong woman in law school.

In the fall, I will be joining a boutique firm. Most of the lawyers are male. However, they seem to be progressive, liberal men. I feel comfortable with them. They don't appear to be the type who would objectify me or give me the less interesting work. But I have to wonder: this firm has been around for more than thirty years. Where are the women? My graduating class is more than half women. Why are there so few women in the higher rankings of law firms? Where are the women partners?

When Chief Justice McLachlin came to speak at our school in February, I asked her how to assert yourself in a mostly male law firm. She seemed kind of annoyed to have to broach the topic but her answer was to be the best, to work harder, to ignore the taunts and show, by your work, that you deserve promotion. Afterwards, I was discussing this exchange with another law student. She agreed with the Chief Justice. Women, by being the best at what they do, can overcome the hurdles thrown up in front of them.

But what, I wondered, about the mediocre women lawyers? Why can't women lawyers just be average? After all, there are lots of run-of-the-mill male lawyers who work their way to the top, why should it be any different for women? I think there will only be true equality between the genders when women are allowed to have average competence in their field.

Summer Recipe--Fennel Salad

I love fennel. I have the seeds in my spice cupboard & sometimes I shake a few out & chew on them. Licorice goodness! Today was a really hot, summery day & I didn't want to spend a lot of time in a hot kitchen, so I make fennel salad & ground beef tacos. The fennel salad had a nice crunch & was an easy, healthy side dish. Also, it was very quick to make.

* 1 large fennel bulb
* Zest and juice from 1 lemon (I used half a lemon/half a lime)
* 3 tablespoons chopped raw walnuts
* olive oil, to taste
* Seasalt and freshly ground pepper to season


Directions

1. Cut the shoots from the fennel and discard, reserving a good handful of green fronds.
2. Chop these & toss them into a bowl. Peel the fennel bulbs, halve, core, and slice paper-thin. Add to the bowl.
3. Grate the zests over the fennel. Squeeze juice over, to taste.
4. Add the walnuts.
5. Drizzle over oil, to taste.
6. Season with salt & pepper.
7. Toss, taste & adjust the seasonings.

The Next SCOTUS Justice--Diane Wood?

This is 7th U.S. Circuit Court Judge Diane Wood. She is from Chicago (like me! And my mom! And the First Lady!) and today she is being interviewed by President Obama for Justice Stevens' opening on the Supreme Court.


Wood is a former law professor at the University of Chicago and served on the the Federal Court of Appeals since her 1995 nomination by President Bill Clinton. I like her a lot.

Here is why.

She is a woman. Not that I think any woman on the bench will be sensitive to gender issues (see: Sarah Palin) but, if she were chosen for the Court, she would be the only other woman on it besides Ruth Bater Ginsburg (who has had recent health issues). This would give the Court another female. Having lived as a female for 59 years can be a valuable asset to a Court which often decides on very gendered issues (abortion, equal pay). The current ratio of men to women is 1-8. So, room for improvement there.

Another reason I like her is that someone I admire very, very much likes her. Judge Wood is in a political category rarely chosen for the Court by past Presidents--a true liberal. She is a persuasive force with conservative jurists and has swayed the Circuit Court to her views many times in the past. This tenacity & charm shows that she can not only interpret the law fairly but also create commonality with her fellow judges. She is pro-choice, pro civil liberties, is protective of the Establishment Clause and comes across as very likable to others.

Win, win, win.

I acknowledge that, should be become the President's candidate for the Court, it will be a challenge to get her confirmed by the Senate. However, the Republican members of the Senate have already vowed to fight any of Obama's nominees, so tactically, it won't matter if that nominee is a bona fide progressive or not. Win!

Candlelight Yoga

I am not a yoga person.






In the four times I had attempted yoga before last night, I never enjoyed it. It was too fast, too hard, it made me dizzy. I loved pilates but not yoga. Never yoga.

But last night I couldn't resist attending a class called "candlelight yoga." So, I gave yoga another shot. Starting at 8:45 PM, the candles were lit, each of us students got a blanket, a small cushion, a larger cushion and, of course, our mats. We lay on our mats & slowly, our instructor brought us through stretches. And I could do them!

No pose was too hard for me this time & I enjoyed the challenge of connecting to my breathing & being aware of my body. I tried to banish all other thoughts, worries, hopes, goals and concerns and focus on my body: how it felt to breathe deeply, what parts were stretching, what parts were static. It was then that I realized I had never made time to just be. I studied, I planned, I worked. But I never thought of myself as a being that could be celebrated for existing. Existing--being--never entered into my thoughts.

But in that quiet, tranquil, peaceful space I had nothing to do but think about how it felt to breathe. And it was utterly serene. I relaxed. At the end of our session, we had ten minutes to snuggle under our cozy blankets & breathe. The windows were open, the night breeze came in, the candles flickered and danced.


I will be coming back.

Stanley Park

Today, Monster & I took a four hour bike ride around Stanley Park. We were lucky to get out when we did, it was gorgeous. Now that we're home, it has started to rain. In fact, it's raining so hard that it's coming down sideways. Nice to see it from my bedroom window, not so nice to be in it. Especially considering that we forgot to bring umbrellas with us. (Who forgets umbrellas a necessity like umbrellas in Vancouver? Only me.) The biking gave us such a good workout & we got to travel through a pretty gorgeous part of our city. And the best part? We walked to Stanley Park & back--no transit needed.





Here is Monster in front of the library on our way out this morning.











The view from the seawall.








This is close to where we had lunch, on Second Beach.














At this point, we decide to cut into the interior of the park. The forest smelled so mossy & fresh and, this being a Tuesday, there was hardly anyone else on the trails.