Tales of Law and Love: July 2010

I am laying in bed, resting. These past eight weeks as I've studied for the Bar have been intense. So intense that I have given up blogging for awhile. I have hard, heavy days of studying in my immediate future & the prospect of taking the Bar exam is terrifying.

But in the months since I left law school & ventured in baby steps towards the profession, my study has been interrupted by one thought, "When will I feel proud of myself?"

I wasn't expecting to feel accomplished at my undergrad ceremony because getting a Bachelor's degree was just another step on my way to getting my law degree. But my law degree was different. My law degree was the one millionth step after eight years of steps towards that piece of paper. It was the culmination of years of getting up early and going to bed late, years of writing papers and studying for finals and going to class after work. The moment I sat with my graduating law class in that glorious rotund hall, I should have felt the cumulative effect of all those tiny sacrifices.

But I didn't.

Eleven years ago, I woke up in Zimbabwe & decided I had to change my life. Since my earliest years, I always had a goal. I believed that hard times were coming worldwide, but that I had a special calling. As I grew up, I tried very hard to heed this calling. I shaped and molded myself every day into the person I thought I should be. I sacrificed and toiled in order to reach this goal.

While the quest to mold myself was futile in the end, the truth was that I loved the lifestyle. I loved the discipline of living your life everyday for a greater purpose. I loved testing my limits and becoming stronger and more able to endure. At the time, my goal seemed challenging but achievable & my motivation was consistent.

But then it was gone. I stopped believing in my childhood goal & I drifted aimlessly for awhile: first to Canada, then down to Fort Lauderdale. In Florida, I entertained myself, I puttered with work and school. I went to parties and danced & went shopping. And I was lost. I had lost my spark and I was just waiting for someone to discover me and help me figure out what to do next.

Then, eight years ago, I confronted myself with my delusions, my laziness. I decided it was time to strike out again. I decided I would go to law school. The idea of law school was alien and terrifying. The idea of getting into law school preposterous. But there it was--the old familiar burning desire to give a new challenge my all.

I enrolled in community college in Florida and slowly worked through remedial math classes. I went to school from 9 - 3, then ate dinner & drove to work to start my 5 - 2 AM shifts at the airport. After a few years of earning high grades, I transferred to a small private university & eventually won a scholarship to study in Europe. I read, ate and conversed my way through my so much interesting new material.

And then law school in Vancouver. So hard, so all-encompassing. I was not prepared for the competition and pressure and I cried a lot my first year. But, eventually, I settled in and became a joiner. I discovered my inner politician in student government and I helped mediated small business claims at the courthouse. I became close to some of my professors and learned the politics of academia, I tried to write more crisply, and immersed myself in the history, depth and breadth of our legal system. I thought and dreamed and interviewed and wrote. And then I graduated. And then I started studying for the Bar...

What I was waiting for during my law school graduation was that moment of pure pleasure when you realize the hard times were worth it. But I didn't get it from my graduation.

It turns out, I was looking in the wrong place.

It is not the fact of the law degree in my hand that could bring me satisfaction. Rather, it was the presence of the goal. The goal of joining the legal profession was what took me from a lost, lazy young woman to an ambitious new attorney. Instead of waiting for someone to find me interesting, I got interested. Instead of waiting for the next thing to come along, I picked the thing I wanted to come along and found it.

Having a goal has saved me. Having and keeping a concrete goal in front of me is the thing. Having the goal has made me and shaped me and when I think about how far my goal has taken me, I swell with pride.