The Daily Squishy

I Failed

I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed. Gah. It is so painful. I failed the Bar. Well, two of six parts of the Bar anyway. This means I must go see a tutor and then re-write those parts. Ironically, the parts I failed are the very activities that make up my days in the law firm--legal writing.

I was so confident that I passed, so pleased that I had worked so hard, that I still can't believe that passing the Bar isn't reality. My firm knows I failed, I'm humiliated. If I fail again, I will be unable to practice law in this province.

I am exhausted with the sheer weight of this failure. I am disappointed in myself, angry that I had no hint this was coming, sad that I disappointed my firm, scared that I may not be able to practice law here (worse case scenario).

And yet, there are little peeks of another perspective. Failure gives me a glimpse of myself as I never choose to me--weak, frail, human. I always felt so strong and confident in my abilities. I knew that I was leading my own destiny. And now, I'm not really sure what will happen next.

I saw Forrest Gump when it first came out in 1994. I went to see it at the movie theater with my biological father and his wife, along with friends. There is this one scene in FG that I remembered this morning when trying to work/process my new reality. In the scene, Forrest is visiting his wife's grave and ruminating on what guides us through life:

"Jenny, I don't know if mama was right, or if it's Lieutenant Dan, I don't know if we each have a destiny or if we're all just floatin' around accidental like on a breeze... but i think, maybe it's both. Maybe both are happening at the same time..."

That's how I feel right now. Both are happening at the same time.

Articling Year

A side view of the office building wherein my firm is housed. The "Sun Tower."









The Bar exams have been written--hopefully for the last time, and I am into life at a law firm. I started last week, came in for Monday's training and orientation and then--bam! Tuesday morning I was assigned a pretty intense workload. I worked long days all week, from 8 AM til 8 or 9 PM most days and weekends are pretty much guaranteed to be at the firm at least a few times a month.

It was so interesting to me to have a record of my law school years through this blog. I would love to record my years as a new lawyer in the same way, but the challenge is in keeping the posts frequent in spite of my hectic schedule.]

I will do my best as I love having this blog, I love reading over where my head was at during a particular time in my life. There is so much I have forgotten already! Some details have been completely forgotten. I benefit from this blog, and so I will keep writing.

I'm Coming Back!

...just a few more days until I finish my last Bar exam (hopefully forever).