Blogging

I started this blog in 2006, when I was a newlywed studying for the LSAT. Through the move to Vancouver and three years of law school, I have kept up this blog. It is my record of that stressful, thrilling time. During articles & my struggles with the Bar, I started to update less and less, partially because I was so anxious and didn't want to record that anxiety over and over. But partially it's because practicing law requires discretion, and that makes blogging difficult. What if I say something about my work that doesn't respects my fiduciary duties to the firm?

So, that's probably it for my blogging, even as sporadic and it was. I will keep my blog up for awhile, until I can digitize it somewhere else. I'm glad I blogged as long as I did. It took me from my undergrad degree through law school and articling. Now, on to the next chapter of my life as a junior associate.

Associate

My sister asked me via facebook today if I thought the wait was worth it. I do. I a now the only associate in a three partner firm. And I am loving it - the work, but especially the people. I work long hours without complaint because I am part of a great team.

Tonight, we knocked off around 6 p.m. and had drinks together. This is a good bunch, and I hope my path stays along their's for a long time to come.

The Daily Squishy

Happy 3rd birthday, Squishy! I love you! You say cute, smart things and you keep things interesting. I am so excited to see you become the person you will become. You are very loved!

The Daily Squashy

!st birthday. Squashy is a little love, so calm & cute and solid. She is congenial like her mommy, and goes with the flow. I am looking forward to getting to know you, Squashy, as you grow bigger.

Living Day to Day

My friend CM posted this on her facebook page & it's been on my mind all day:

"It's kind of wonderful how hard times help us focus on the present. It's all we have, and I keep forgetting it's enough."

What lessons have hard time taught me? What do I know about life after nearly four decades on this planet? Why don't I have a better grasp on my purpose & the meaning of my life? I want to go far away & get my head on straight again.

Still Not There

I haven't been updating this blog because I've been hiding from myself. I am still working at the Union, still not really getting the training I need to become a litigator. I have interviewed more than a handful of times but never got the job. I am still looking, looking, looking...but at this point I am not really sure what I want.

How did I go so far off the rails so soon? Everyone else in my life is following their career path, doing the type of work they love. I might as well be folding sweaters at The Gap. And I found out recently that there might not be work for me at The Gap for a few weeks. The good thing about that is I'll have more time to connect with my network and find out who is hiring (I'm thinking family law, maybe I'll go into family law). The bad news is that, with two incomes, we bought a car and adopted two dogs. Our expenses have gone up and our income is about to go down if I'm not working.

Also, I found out that, after our last round of bargaining, my Union negotiated a very, very low pay scale for people in my position. This means that those whose job is to answer the phones, those who never have to stay late and get vacation time, they also get paid about $1000 a month more than me. There is no easy way to say how screwed over I am by my Union's choices. And I am a union representative! Irony, everywhere irony.

I joined a dodgeball team and tonight was our second game. The other team, Double Rainbow, OMG! creamed us. And there were such assholes about it. Who knew you could take dodgeball so seriously? Especially since everyone on the team sported a fake beard?

My life has been a huge suckball this past year, but I am still holding on. The same things that sustained me last year - my marriage, my relationship with my sisters, my friends, they are all still there. And now, I have two cute little doggies! Sometimes I get so disgusted and discouraged that I haven't found my firm yet but mostly I try not to think about it.

The Daily Squishy & Squashy

Remembering what can Be

Jack Layton died yesterday.





I have been mired in my own issues, my own disappointments with my life, and I had shut out the world. And then, someone who did care about improving the lives of others dies. And I remember that I once had a greater purpose than my own fulfillment.

Layton reminded me in many ways of Edward M. Kennedy, an American Senator who consistently worked towards equality in his career. He had more personal failures than Layton, who was beloved for his great successes, but Kennedy and Layton had a vision for the future, a vision which gave them hope and stamina to continue to fight against unwinnable odds. I have given up already. Not only has giving up been unsatisfying but I am deeply ashamed of myself for feeling so sorry for me. But then, I am reminded that there are battles I can fight when I look to those that are fighting. Maybe I can start again.

One of my favorite eulogy passages belongs to Robert Kennedy, as recounted by his brother Ted in 1968:

"There is discrimination in this world and slavery and slaughter and starvation. Governments repress their people; millions are trapped in poverty while the nation grows rich and wealth is lavished on armaments everywhere. These are differing evils, but they are the common works of man. They reflect the imperfection of human justice, the inadequacy of human compassion, our lack of sensibility towards the suffering of our fellows. But we can perhaps remember -- even if only for a time -- that those who live with us are our brothers; that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek -- as we do -- nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can."

I have shifted my priorities towards myself and I can shift them again. If I can catch that spark again, who knows what I can work towards? I need to remain open, to resist cynicism. I need to find my passion again.

Good Things About an Unsettled Future

I am not in the career I want, and sometimes I wake up panicked about that fact. I spent a lot of years of my life working towards something and I am not sure when it will happen for me. It's a good time to remind myself of the positive aspects of this uncertain stage in my life.

1) Life is not locked down. I don't know where I'll work. My life is not monotonous. I can't see it stretching ahead of me year after year. I have friends who've been at their firms for a few years and are bothered by the sameness that lays ahead. For me, life is still an adventure.

2) ...

Ok. So I am still at one. It's something!

Career Tools

I have been listening to postcasts from this website during my morning workouts and anytime I am out running errands during the day. As I am have not been working for the past two weeks, Career Tools helps keep me mindful of my career path. Most of their tips revolve around how to organize your time at work so that you are keeping contact with your network, making the most out of conferences and other work contacts, and standing out from the crowd. The hosts meander and sometimes it takes a while for them to get to the point, but it's a free resource that I recommend to people like me at the start of their careers.

600th Post!

It's my 600th post! When I started this blog, I was a newlywed, just starting to study for the LSAT and think about which law schools I would apply. Now, I've been married just over five years (happy anniversary, Monster!), have been called to the Bar and am (sometimes frantically) looking for my next gig.

All in all, life has unfolded pretty much the way I wanted it to since I began this blog. I have had incredible highs, have fulfilled my academic expectations, have grown closer to my sisters and family, am around to see my nieces grow up. I live in the Most Livable City in the world, smack downtown in a highrise. I can cook, I have friends with something interesting to say. I am loved. Life is really good.

But sometimes I get freaked out by the unknown. When that happens, cartoons help.




Happy 600th post to me!

Limbo

I had two promising job interviews last week & haven't heard back from either of them. After taking the weekend off, I am back on the hunt today. But there are very few jobs to be found on the usual law boards. This means I must dive back into attending CBA events, meeting law friends for lunch, volunteering at the clinics for ledes. There is a stillness to my life right now, like I am suspended above it watching it go on. I am worried and tired all the time and wonder what my next move should be.

Robert Frost's poem applies to my mood:

I'd like to get away from earth awhile/
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me/
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return.

Law is about confidence and ability and right now I am shaky on both counts. I try to remember that once I start working I will miss this time for myself, when I could get in a good sweaty hour workout in the mornings and plan out delicious and healthy meals, when I could read and run errands and make appointments without worry about how they fit into the schedule. I am lucky that I have a very supportive husband and a beautiful little spot in the city from which to perch as I continue my search. Still, I am a worker, not a homemaker and I am happiest when my days are full of projects and deadlines.

Interviewing

Today was the second day I interviewed with partners of firms. Yesterday, I met with three partners of a small firm and today with two partners of a large firm. It was my first large firm interview and I was not disappointed. Everything I have come to understand about large firms was true -- the resources, the work, the billable hour targets.

I believe I did reasonably well in both interviews (better in the first than the second, but you never know about these things). I hope to hear back from one or both in the near future and, in the meantime, am checking a bunch of to-dos off my list. When I received the news that I would not be hired back, I thought I would have lots of downtime to work out, run errands, contemplate life. While I am thrilled to have offers of job shadows and interviews to keep me busy, it has also kept me from making doctors appointments and just generally getting my life and health in order. There are so many things to do, so many things I could feel anxious about. Like my interviews!

But I am not going to do that. Instead, I will be grateful for the opportunities I've had, and make time in my schedule to set up doctors appointments this week (as well as run, write thank yous, organize my job search, workout, plan tomorrow's menu for the hockey game, read, and clean.)


Since this is a time of transition for me, the season of commencement addresses take on special meaning. Here is one of my favorites of the year, Conan O'Brien at Dartmouth.



"The point is this: it is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It is not easy. But if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst to profound reinvention." - Conan O'Brian's Dartmouth commencement speech."

The (Not-so-Daily) Squishy & Squashy

Live in the Moment

A lot of people have given me the above advice and I've never thought it to be particularly relevant. Eight years ago, I decided I would go to law school & every moment after that was lived towards that goal. Having such a difficult goal ahead of me gave my life purpose. I didn't see the value in living for today.

But now, a new chapter of my life begins, & I am realizing how quickly time passes, and how much I miss by worrying about the future. Living in the moment is my new goal. I am going to enjoy my surroundings: sunny days, fresh fruit, the sounds of the city, a clean apartment, clean clothes, freshly painted nails, good friends, baby nieces.

I want to enjoy all the wonderful things in my life instead of overlooking them in my hurry to focus on what brings me anxiety.

Just Dance

My friend Jess took me out dancing last night to celebrate both of our Calls to the Bar. I was so nervous before we left that I was too old, that the doorman would look at my i.d. and say, "No way." But we went to a club about two blocks from my place & no problem! There were many older women there, much older than me. It was 90's Night, & I stayed on the dance floor for over three hours. Each song was more fun than the last and I let myself enjoy the music.

While we were dancing, I felt so young, so happy, problem-free. It was a great way to celebrate an accomplishment that felt like it wasn't. I feel revived!

Lost

I was called to the Bar today. And it was humiliating. My firm all gathered in the conference room. I came in exactly at 9:30, so I could read my oath (an oath that all new lawyers must promise and affirm,about using the law to help & not hurt.) I noticed right away that my former co-workers were acting oddly towards me, kind of aloof, which is understandable considering I don't work there anymore.

I said my oath, and then my principal, who told me he wasn't going to give a speech, gave one. And it was awful. He alluded to my having to redo parts of the Bar exam, which many people until that moment didn't know. It wasn't okay with me for him to divulge that, especially because he was so disinterested in my progress as an articled student. He left me to fend for myself, which I did, and I think I did a good job. The bumps along the road did not need to be included in his 30 second speech.

But then, after he finished and I thought it was over, an associate at the firm said he would like to say a few things. I was caught off-guard and smarting from my principal's words, but this associate said beautiful things about me: that I was passionate about the law, that I had more enthusiasm for my work than any other articled student he had ever worked with, that I brought integrity and honor to my work. Wow! Thank you! I took a few pictures and then left the office with a secretary who came in that day just to see me called.

I brought her along with me on an errand to pick up my gown for next week's ceremony at Court. When I came out of the shop with my gown, she was talking to the former Attorney General of B.C.! What a thrill! He congratulated me on my Call to the Bar. What a wonderful surprise to meet him on my Call day!

Later on, after having lunch with a friend by the seawall, I ran into my Bar instructor. I have made a great effort to avoid her, and then I ran smack-dab into her. We chatted for a bit. Awkward again, because she knows I had to redo the essay portion of my exams, and I am still upset by her lack of guidance during the Bar course. However, I told her I was Called, and she now knows that I still made it, that the Bar course didn't beat me.

I then called the union I'll be spending time with next week to learn the details and found out I will be running a gauntlet of tests to see how well I perform handling arbitrations. As I have never done even one before, I am very nervous about how the test will be conducted and how I will do.

The negative events of the day were enough to put me in a funk that I couldn't quite pull myself out of. My career is uncertain, my future a blank. I am staring out at nothing and it's scary. I have been sure of every step for the past eight years, since I decided that I would go to law school. And now, what? What's next? I can't plot or plan for it, I don't know if I will succeed or fail.

But I have so much support. I have my husband. He is the embodiment of encouragement. For him, my success in whatever I do is a given, so long as I am happy doing it. He bears the financial burden when I'm not working and doesn't complain. He listens to my fears about myself and assures me not only with his words but with his relationship with me that I am already a success to him. He keeps me grounded, and makes me laugh everyday.

I have my sister, who is in the same profession with me. She doesn't let the mindfuck of law get to her. Her view of the law is devoid of the zero-sum game of accomplishment in this field. She is completely herself and I can talk to her without judgment or reprieve. She is my example that the law culture doesn't have to take over and suck out your personality.

Eventually, I will pick myself up and move on. Right now, I'm just gonna lick my wounds.

Good Riddance

Today was my last day of articles. Even though I came into the office on Saturday to ensure I got everything done in time, I worked pretty much right up to the last minute. After lunch, on my way to court, I ran into a friend I worked with when I was a summer student two years ago. He told me that it was his first day of the Bar class, so that debacle was a year ago for me. May this be the beginning of putting it behind me.

Finally, it was 5 p.m. After writing the 18th submission for a tiresome file, transferring all the rest of my claims to the new articled student, going to Small Claims Court on an application to transfer a matter to Supreme Court (which I got, btw!), and saying goodbye to the partners I admired, I turned in my last time card, shut down my computer, and turned off the lights.

Surveying my dark and now very empty office, the magnitude hit me. I am moving on. I am no longer in limbo. I no longer work at this firm, this firm which in many ways made me feel like I had never worked in a firm before, like I knew nothin' about nothing' (which is kind of true.) But tomorrow, I am a lawyer. I got a call today about a position in-house with a union and who knows what it means. A summer job? A longer job? Whatever it means, it's me as a lawyer. No more student, although I still have so much to learn.

I unlocked the door at home to the smell of flowers. I thought at first it was my magnolia plant, which just bloomed. But my husband bought me a yellow and white bouquet as a surprise. He was gone to a friend's house to watch the game (Go, Canucks!) Cheerful yellow and white sit on my windowsile and match my mood. The flowers are happy, new-- so fresh and new. I got flowers! I'm being called to the Bar! I have an office to show up to on Monday! And it all began with a windowless office in a heritage building.

Another Inspirational Quote for My Job Search

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next."

Gilda Radner

They Did Me a Favour

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein

I will document my transition from articled student in a labour law firm to...whatever is next. I will be training for my half marathon in the fall, taking baby steps into yoga, cooking from scratch, and exploring philosophies, biographies, and different areas of law while I transition. This blog will document it all.

Holding On

"Then I was young and unafraid
and dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
no song unsung no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
with their voices soft as thunder.
As they tear your hope apart,
as they turn your dream to shame."

Words I am Currently Living By

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

The Squishy & Squashy

Articling Nearly Over...

...And my firm is at capacity, so I won't be hired on after my contract ends in a few weeks. In a lot of ways, it's a relief as I can be rid of the shame that's followed me since taking the Bar. But it's also really hard to go out into the job market this junior.


For the past two months I have been scrubbing my resume, making contacts, calling ledes, and drafting resumes & cover letters tailored to each firm. On Friday, I have my first interview...in Surrey. I am not really sure what's coming next for me but it will be quite the relief to finally be a lawyer at the end of the month, maybe all of this effort will seem worth it. Maybe I'll get that high that's eluded me at every graduation and event since completing my freshman year.

What I'll do when unemployed:

1) File for EI. My first time ever!
2) Run by the seawall, do yoga, stretch, lift weights. A lot.
3) Buy staples in bulk & learn to stretch our food budget.
4) Stop buying unnecessary items. Find coupons and deals for necessities.
5) Read.
6) Nap.
7) Be really happy when I start working again. I'm not much of a stay-at-home person.

2.5 Months To Go!

In late May/early June I will be called to the Bar! Finally! I feel like I've been treading water here at the firm lately, with nearly all the partners away (in France, no less!) and very little work. I have started to look for my next employment opportunity &, although life is really uncertain right now (where will we live? will we get a dog? a car? both? neither? and what about my gym?) it's also really exciting.

I can't get over how good life is, how exciting it is, how lucky I am! Monster & I went on a real date downtown at one of the fancier restaurants I've been eying for awhile. Here we are, in this city we love, having lived smack in the middle of downtown for a year and a half, ten months after graduating law school, with the Bar exams behind me and newly-found friends in the industry helping me look for work. I am running a mini-mini marathon with some of my sisters this weekend (I slightly injured myself while training for it, so I will probably be walking this one) and then a mini-marathon with my dad and more sisters in May. And I get to hang out with my adorable, sassy little nieces this weekend!

Gah! Life is so fun, and I am so lucky!

SSDD*

(*Same shit, different day)

I went to a mediation with one of the partners at the firm and our side kicked some ass. But after the mediation, one of our clients gestured towards me & told our group of six men (lawyers and clients) that he wanted to swear but wouldn't do so in front of me. I told him I was not made of sugar but he replied that he "wasn't raised that way."

Le sigh. Sexism disguised as nobility. SSDD.

PASSED (and PAST) THE BAR!

So, I passed the Bar.

Yay, me! Wow, that was an intense six months. But, as much I as literally worried myself sick, I learned a lot of about myself too. Like, I have the capability to worry myself until I am literally sick, throw out my neck, can't breathe, wake up with insomnia.

I also learned that life owes me nothing, that I must fight to hold onto all my gains, that I am not a special little snowflake but someone with extraordinary privilege. And I have been very, very lucky in my life thus far.

Finally, when I finally got to the point where I had accepted both fates equally--passing and failing the Bar-- I won. I learned that I passed the Bar. I can stay at my firm (at least until my contract is up at the end of May). I can stay in this gorgeous city that I love, that has become a part of me and a part of Monster.

And my life is better than ever. I am so, so privileged: I was fitted for my gown this week (custom-made -- with french cuff shirts to my specifications!), I had two meetings with major clients and one full day of trial and I am leading evidence at trial on Monday.

The storm has passed. I learned what I needed to learn. Life is better than ever. And I am one lucky girl.


[Edited to add this video of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now":

"I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.


I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all."

"I'm a Better Proofreader than You"

Yes. Yes, you probably are. You persuade the courts, you charm and convince. And even still, you are a better proofreader than I - I who gets lazy when arriving at the last paragraph. Someone comes into my office with an assignment and whoosh--I've missed three errors. Simple errors, errors that shouldn't have escaped my gaze.

But they did. And like every error before it, it was a stupid error. Dumb. Easy to spot. I haven't honed my detail skills adequately yet. Details like proofreading are harder for me, someone who thinks in the big picture. I'm more of a creative type, I love to think up arguments and communicate. Sitting alone in a room without windows and a strong air conditioner, day after day, reading, writing and proofreading, those things are harder for me. They are less natural to my personality.

But I will get better at proofreading, because I have to. I will get better at it & I will proof right to the last paragraph. I will check my work four times instead of three. I will look for the stupid mistakes. At the same time, I will look for a field that compounds my strengths. I may have many years of details, details, details ahead of me and I will learn to concur my weaknesses, my detail-deficiencies. But someday, my work will speak to my strengths instead of my weaknesses.

This is a time of new beginnings, but also a time of endings. I am so excited to see things end, but only if they come with the promise of new beginnings.