Lost

I was called to the Bar today. And it was humiliating. My firm all gathered in the conference room. I came in exactly at 9:30, so I could read my oath (an oath that all new lawyers must promise and affirm,about using the law to help & not hurt.) I noticed right away that my former co-workers were acting oddly towards me, kind of aloof, which is understandable considering I don't work there anymore.

I said my oath, and then my principal, who told me he wasn't going to give a speech, gave one. And it was awful. He alluded to my having to redo parts of the Bar exam, which many people until that moment didn't know. It wasn't okay with me for him to divulge that, especially because he was so disinterested in my progress as an articled student. He left me to fend for myself, which I did, and I think I did a good job. The bumps along the road did not need to be included in his 30 second speech.

But then, after he finished and I thought it was over, an associate at the firm said he would like to say a few things. I was caught off-guard and smarting from my principal's words, but this associate said beautiful things about me: that I was passionate about the law, that I had more enthusiasm for my work than any other articled student he had ever worked with, that I brought integrity and honor to my work. Wow! Thank you! I took a few pictures and then left the office with a secretary who came in that day just to see me called.

I brought her along with me on an errand to pick up my gown for next week's ceremony at Court. When I came out of the shop with my gown, she was talking to the former Attorney General of B.C.! What a thrill! He congratulated me on my Call to the Bar. What a wonderful surprise to meet him on my Call day!

Later on, after having lunch with a friend by the seawall, I ran into my Bar instructor. I have made a great effort to avoid her, and then I ran smack-dab into her. We chatted for a bit. Awkward again, because she knows I had to redo the essay portion of my exams, and I am still upset by her lack of guidance during the Bar course. However, I told her I was Called, and she now knows that I still made it, that the Bar course didn't beat me.

I then called the union I'll be spending time with next week to learn the details and found out I will be running a gauntlet of tests to see how well I perform handling arbitrations. As I have never done even one before, I am very nervous about how the test will be conducted and how I will do.

The negative events of the day were enough to put me in a funk that I couldn't quite pull myself out of. My career is uncertain, my future a blank. I am staring out at nothing and it's scary. I have been sure of every step for the past eight years, since I decided that I would go to law school. And now, what? What's next? I can't plot or plan for it, I don't know if I will succeed or fail.

But I have so much support. I have my husband. He is the embodiment of encouragement. For him, my success in whatever I do is a given, so long as I am happy doing it. He bears the financial burden when I'm not working and doesn't complain. He listens to my fears about myself and assures me not only with his words but with his relationship with me that I am already a success to him. He keeps me grounded, and makes me laugh everyday.

I have my sister, who is in the same profession with me. She doesn't let the mindfuck of law get to her. Her view of the law is devoid of the zero-sum game of accomplishment in this field. She is completely herself and I can talk to her without judgment or reprieve. She is my example that the law culture doesn't have to take over and suck out your personality.

Eventually, I will pick myself up and move on. Right now, I'm just gonna lick my wounds.