Live in the Moment

A lot of people have given me the above advice and I've never thought it to be particularly relevant. Eight years ago, I decided I would go to law school & every moment after that was lived towards that goal. Having such a difficult goal ahead of me gave my life purpose. I didn't see the value in living for today.

But now, a new chapter of my life begins, & I am realizing how quickly time passes, and how much I miss by worrying about the future. Living in the moment is my new goal. I am going to enjoy my surroundings: sunny days, fresh fruit, the sounds of the city, a clean apartment, clean clothes, freshly painted nails, good friends, baby nieces.

I want to enjoy all the wonderful things in my life instead of overlooking them in my hurry to focus on what brings me anxiety.

Just Dance

My friend Jess took me out dancing last night to celebrate both of our Calls to the Bar. I was so nervous before we left that I was too old, that the doorman would look at my i.d. and say, "No way." But we went to a club about two blocks from my place & no problem! There were many older women there, much older than me. It was 90's Night, & I stayed on the dance floor for over three hours. Each song was more fun than the last and I let myself enjoy the music.

While we were dancing, I felt so young, so happy, problem-free. It was a great way to celebrate an accomplishment that felt like it wasn't. I feel revived!

Lost

I was called to the Bar today. And it was humiliating. My firm all gathered in the conference room. I came in exactly at 9:30, so I could read my oath (an oath that all new lawyers must promise and affirm,about using the law to help & not hurt.) I noticed right away that my former co-workers were acting oddly towards me, kind of aloof, which is understandable considering I don't work there anymore.

I said my oath, and then my principal, who told me he wasn't going to give a speech, gave one. And it was awful. He alluded to my having to redo parts of the Bar exam, which many people until that moment didn't know. It wasn't okay with me for him to divulge that, especially because he was so disinterested in my progress as an articled student. He left me to fend for myself, which I did, and I think I did a good job. The bumps along the road did not need to be included in his 30 second speech.

But then, after he finished and I thought it was over, an associate at the firm said he would like to say a few things. I was caught off-guard and smarting from my principal's words, but this associate said beautiful things about me: that I was passionate about the law, that I had more enthusiasm for my work than any other articled student he had ever worked with, that I brought integrity and honor to my work. Wow! Thank you! I took a few pictures and then left the office with a secretary who came in that day just to see me called.

I brought her along with me on an errand to pick up my gown for next week's ceremony at Court. When I came out of the shop with my gown, she was talking to the former Attorney General of B.C.! What a thrill! He congratulated me on my Call to the Bar. What a wonderful surprise to meet him on my Call day!

Later on, after having lunch with a friend by the seawall, I ran into my Bar instructor. I have made a great effort to avoid her, and then I ran smack-dab into her. We chatted for a bit. Awkward again, because she knows I had to redo the essay portion of my exams, and I am still upset by her lack of guidance during the Bar course. However, I told her I was Called, and she now knows that I still made it, that the Bar course didn't beat me.

I then called the union I'll be spending time with next week to learn the details and found out I will be running a gauntlet of tests to see how well I perform handling arbitrations. As I have never done even one before, I am very nervous about how the test will be conducted and how I will do.

The negative events of the day were enough to put me in a funk that I couldn't quite pull myself out of. My career is uncertain, my future a blank. I am staring out at nothing and it's scary. I have been sure of every step for the past eight years, since I decided that I would go to law school. And now, what? What's next? I can't plot or plan for it, I don't know if I will succeed or fail.

But I have so much support. I have my husband. He is the embodiment of encouragement. For him, my success in whatever I do is a given, so long as I am happy doing it. He bears the financial burden when I'm not working and doesn't complain. He listens to my fears about myself and assures me not only with his words but with his relationship with me that I am already a success to him. He keeps me grounded, and makes me laugh everyday.

I have my sister, who is in the same profession with me. She doesn't let the mindfuck of law get to her. Her view of the law is devoid of the zero-sum game of accomplishment in this field. She is completely herself and I can talk to her without judgment or reprieve. She is my example that the law culture doesn't have to take over and suck out your personality.

Eventually, I will pick myself up and move on. Right now, I'm just gonna lick my wounds.

Good Riddance

Today was my last day of articles. Even though I came into the office on Saturday to ensure I got everything done in time, I worked pretty much right up to the last minute. After lunch, on my way to court, I ran into a friend I worked with when I was a summer student two years ago. He told me that it was his first day of the Bar class, so that debacle was a year ago for me. May this be the beginning of putting it behind me.

Finally, it was 5 p.m. After writing the 18th submission for a tiresome file, transferring all the rest of my claims to the new articled student, going to Small Claims Court on an application to transfer a matter to Supreme Court (which I got, btw!), and saying goodbye to the partners I admired, I turned in my last time card, shut down my computer, and turned off the lights.

Surveying my dark and now very empty office, the magnitude hit me. I am moving on. I am no longer in limbo. I no longer work at this firm, this firm which in many ways made me feel like I had never worked in a firm before, like I knew nothin' about nothing' (which is kind of true.) But tomorrow, I am a lawyer. I got a call today about a position in-house with a union and who knows what it means. A summer job? A longer job? Whatever it means, it's me as a lawyer. No more student, although I still have so much to learn.

I unlocked the door at home to the smell of flowers. I thought at first it was my magnolia plant, which just bloomed. But my husband bought me a yellow and white bouquet as a surprise. He was gone to a friend's house to watch the game (Go, Canucks!) Cheerful yellow and white sit on my windowsile and match my mood. The flowers are happy, new-- so fresh and new. I got flowers! I'm being called to the Bar! I have an office to show up to on Monday! And it all began with a windowless office in a heritage building.

Another Inspirational Quote for My Job Search

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next."

Gilda Radner

They Did Me a Favour

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein

I will document my transition from articled student in a labour law firm to...whatever is next. I will be training for my half marathon in the fall, taking baby steps into yoga, cooking from scratch, and exploring philosophies, biographies, and different areas of law while I transition. This blog will document it all.

Holding On

"Then I was young and unafraid
and dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
no song unsung no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
with their voices soft as thunder.
As they tear your hope apart,
as they turn your dream to shame."

Words I am Currently Living By

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

The Squishy & Squashy

Articling Nearly Over...

...And my firm is at capacity, so I won't be hired on after my contract ends in a few weeks. In a lot of ways, it's a relief as I can be rid of the shame that's followed me since taking the Bar. But it's also really hard to go out into the job market this junior.


For the past two months I have been scrubbing my resume, making contacts, calling ledes, and drafting resumes & cover letters tailored to each firm. On Friday, I have my first interview...in Surrey. I am not really sure what's coming next for me but it will be quite the relief to finally be a lawyer at the end of the month, maybe all of this effort will seem worth it. Maybe I'll get that high that's eluded me at every graduation and event since completing my freshman year.

What I'll do when unemployed:

1) File for EI. My first time ever!
2) Run by the seawall, do yoga, stretch, lift weights. A lot.
3) Buy staples in bulk & learn to stretch our food budget.
4) Stop buying unnecessary items. Find coupons and deals for necessities.
5) Read.
6) Nap.
7) Be really happy when I start working again. I'm not much of a stay-at-home person.