LSAT in minus two

I take the law school admittance exam the day after tomorrow. Quite nervous about it, to be honest. I have "test-driven" the clothing I will wear, the food I will eat, the route I will take to the test. I don't want any surprises.
And although this test means a lot for me, I think I am pretty ready. I have prepared for months and am sure I can score where I need to.
A big thank you to my husband for his financial and emotional support, to Hope, Tirzah and Feli for their encouragement and to Katerina, Elona for their well wishes.
So now it is on to the big test and then whatever comes next. After all, "tomorrow is another day"... 

What will shape me

So introspective--that is what happens when your habit is to drink a glass of wine before blogging. I am watching this gorgeous documentary on the building of the pyramids on our gorgeous flat screen plasma. The fictious worker by whom this story is told loses his brother and I think, "All lives are mared by some sort of tragedy, I wonder what mine will be?" Something tells me it will not be in my past but in my future. What will it be and how will I bare it?

Claire

I don't know what happened to you. I heard a horrible rumor. But I cling to hope that you are still with us, still finding your dreams. I hope many good things came into your life and are still coming into your life. I didn't realize until this moment how much I identified with you: a little girl like me, growing into a woman; looking for the positive where there is so much negative.

Into the Ocean

I am just a normal girl who sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country but I'd rather swim ashore
Now floating up and down, I spin colliding into sound,
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes I feel just like I'm diving in the Ocean
Let the waves take me up and down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down.

Where is the coastguard, I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for perfection.
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsum sank, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life, believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing?)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
I thought of just your face,
Relaxed and floating into space.
--Blue October

The Unveiling

I know I told you I would keep your identity hidden within my blog, but that was before I realized you never visit it anyway. And neither does anyone else, so you're safe.

You were sick yesterday and still worked a full, hot, hard day. I don't think I would have the same determination to work through pain like you did. You worked twelve hours and then came home and collapsed on the floor. The only thing I could do was try to keep you comfortable, give you liquids and love before I left for your dad's birthday dinner.

I don't tell you enough how much I admire you: your work ethic, the way you never let those that depend on you down. Today, after I begged you to take a day off (your first in a long time) you and I spent our first day together in nearly a month. Even when you're sick, you still make me laugh, make me smile, make me feel safe.

I want the whole world to know how very much I love you. 

How to Save a Life

Step up to you, you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same

...And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The Fray

Tu eres me ser...

Tu eres me amor, me sol, y me flor. 

What will it be?

I got my college diploma today...after weeks of calling and checking and stuttering and taking abuse from the UT registrar. Got some bad news about work, too, but still hopeful. I know there are so many others that have it so much worse than I.

What does the future hold? When I first returned from Africa, I kept a journal (pre-blog) about my new "adventure": trying to find my roots again. I was looking (pretty unsuccessfully) for a job after being out of the workforce for six years, I was re-adjusting to life in North America and looking for what's next. For some reason, I was thinking that would be the last time I would be that lost. In some ways, that's true but...there is something magical in not knowing what is coming next; all the possibilities of the future.

Back then, I wrote in my journal that I wished I could "fast forward" in my life a few months, to the point where I was employed, fulfilled, on to the next step. I just wanted to skip the insecurity, the unknown, the humiliation of being so lost. But, here I am again, one degree and husband richer, more settled into myself than I was in my mid-twenties. And still there is so much unknown.

I am nervous and afraid but also curious to see what will happen next...

Depressing places I have lived.

While in the bookstore today, I started thinking about some of the most depressing places I have lived. Firstly, there is Moscow. Not the center, absolutely not; Red Square, the Kremlin, even the subway stops beneeth this part of the city were a molded kleidiscope of color. It was the flats, the apartments that skirt historic Moscow that brought on my feelings of gloom. Each constructed in the same drab Communist gray, they sat like generic gravestones in an overcrowded cemetary. The interior provided no relief: hallways and elevators reeked of urine. Sometimes, you had to strategically pick out a dry spot on the lift and hope the old rusty shafts did not jostle the vile yellow liquid around you. Still, the quiet magesty the Russian people thrilled me, elegent details left over on pre-Stalin buildings inspired me, the spirit of a nation carved out of ice that could not be crushed.

Then, there was Africa, where expansive townships, casket stripmalls and orphaned babies dying of A.I.D.S. left me feeling hopeless and confused. But there was also the green mountains, the savanna filled with wildlife I had never before seen, the roaring shout of Victoria falls, gnarled trees, children that would break randomly and beautifully into song.

And finally, Oxford. Beautiful, ancient, scholarly Oxford. The colleges with tiny, obscured entrances that lead to green courtyards and quads. The latin, the four hundred year old pubs with names like "The Eagle and Child," and "The Three Goats." It was winter: dark and cold and intimidating. I couldn't stop thinking about those who had walked down those cobblestones before me. They had come to study, to work, to raise their families. They had built the buildings I entered so casually. They decorated with color and vibrance and were no longer here to see it. Cemetary stones were everywhere, even carved into the middle of town. Everything whispered, "They were here." And now "they" are gone. As soon will I. "Hurry up, hurry up!" Capture all the living you can in the time you have left. The beauty of Oxford is the fragility of life. This is the lesson for those who would hope to be its students. 

Great beginnings deserve great endings

http://www.break.com/index/how_superman_should_have_ended.html

10 Years from Now

In ten years, where will we be? Will the hard work, diligence and stamina pay off for us? What about those who believe their decisions are the only right decisions, those who have not prepared themselves for reality: the reality of now, the reality of ten years? What keeps me going is knowing that I am working towards something I want, the direction I see myself going.