Paddle Hard!

I had my convocation ceremony yesterday. All morning long, before the ceremony, I had a sinking feeling that something bad would happen. But that's just nerves, right? What can actually go wrong at a simple convocation ceremony? They call your name, shake your hand & then you sit down all graduated-like.


"Demon" Montgomery. That is how I was announced as I stood to take my place on stage for all to see. Demon! As in Satan's minion. My face got hot & my hands flushed & I felt like a politician in the midst of a sex scandal--outed & humiliated in front of everyone.

And I immediately had to pretend that I was fine with it. That my one moment of recognition after three years of work & toil & more work wasn't that important to me. That I didn't really, really want to hear my name--my legal name--read out in association with my degree. I had to pretend I was in on the joke. I mean, I have a strange name, I get it. I have a nickname that is pronounced differently than my legal name. But there was something about hearing my name with the correct pronunciation that meant a lot to me. It meant I was more than the sum of my weird hippie-dippy name. It was a part of me being taken seriously by my community as a law grad & future lawyer. I did care. A lot. And it broke my heart. There were people in that audience who never liked me & my brash, outspoken persona. I had a few enemies & I was acutely aware that they were there to witness me being brought down a few pegs.

That was yesterday. Since then, I've been thinking about all the wonderful, talented, fantastic people in my life who have suffered far worse humiliation & set backs than I. And by far worse, I mean light-years beyond a botched name announcement. The loss of a much-desired child--not once, but three times , the sting & uncertainty of a humiliating D.U.I., a cherished spouse lost to addiction. In each instance, their example to me has been this: they revel in the horror of it all for a short while, letting themselves truly feel it. Then they get up, dust themselves off & keep living. In doing so, they prove to themselves & to me that they are made of tougher stuff & mere humiliation, set back, loss & heartbreak cannot bind them forever. My friends & family have resilience. It comforted me then & I borrowed it from them today, in my small dilemma. So, moving on.

Coming to law school is like a novice learning to row. Over the years, you get the materials to build your rowboat. Then, you learn some rowing techniques. Finally, when you graduate, they give you a paddle. This is your chance to show your stuff. And so, I am paddling as hard as I can away from law school & any & all bad memories & towards my future.