A few moments ago, a family friend at a barbaque pronounced Monster's and my choice not to procreate as "sad." We face this kind of reaction often, very often, when we tell our friends and acquantances that we have chosen not to have children. We are labled selfish and sad.
The problem with these pronouncements is that they negate the very real decision-making process my husband and I went through. We looked at our age at time of marriage, our goals, our aspirations for life and realized that we could better reach these if we did not have children of our own. We weighed the joys of parenthood against the other joys we wanted to experience and decided what was best for us. For us. Not for the rest of the world. For us. And yet, this very difficult decision is constantly weighed publicly and found publicly wanting. While it hurts to have our methodical decision derided by others, I oppose the idea that not having children is selfish.
For one thing, our planet is facing a global environmental crisis. Adding people to this world adds pollution to this world and there is no way to get around that. Creating more resources for others is hardly selfish. Also, neither of us think our particular DNA is so wonderful or dynamic that we should reproduce it. We don't think our children would be replicas of our own selves and thus do not feel the need to boost our egos by looking at our children as extentions of ourselves. By writing this, I am not saying all parents procreate for this reason. But some do. It is a dirty fact of parenthood, one that is selfish.
Another point that is brought up by those protesting our choice is that children are wonderful. Well, duh. I can't imagine a life without children in it. I have always have significant children in my life. I have watched them grow up, flown thousands of miles to see them. They are my friends children, not even of my own blood but I love them. They make my world better. I do not have to give birth to see their specialness, their worth.
The fact is, we all have to make choices for ourselves. Our choice, while it may have worked out wonderfully for you, is not one-size-fits all. If we could only accept others' powers of decision-making, then we call would be free to make choices that best suit our lives and empower us and our loved ones.
I am sorry you find my life choices so "sad." I am sorry that you look down on me and my husband as "less than." This I cannot help. I can only say that I wake up and go to sleep delirously happy that I have the power to make this choice, a power that has been denied women for centuries until very, very recently. I do not exaggerate when I say motherhood is not for everyone and not everyone who had children enjoyed it. If I have to power to make a choice that makes my life better, who are you to say it is "sad"?
1 comment:
I thought it was funny that as I sat down to read this post late last night my 1 year old woke up crying for mommy. I rocked her in my lap as I tried to finish it. A paragraph later I felt something warm and wet flood my lap. Her diaper sprung a leak! I jumped up, cleaned her up, scrubbed the couch and then cleaned myself. By that point I was ready for bed and she was fussing big time. Can I really blame anyone for not finding this appealing?! LOL
Selfish Melfish. I have read some evolutionary psychologists who believe that our drive to procreate is entirely selfish - to extend ourselves (via our genes) into the future. They went so far as to suggest that a parent's love and devotion to their child can even be boiled down to that evolutionary drive. (Of course that takes all the romanticism right out of it and I'd much rather not see it that way.)
Anyhow, I love being a mother, but I respect the decisions of those who choose otherwise. I only wish more people would give it as much thought as you have.
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