Weary

I've been thinking about my belief in equality lately. More specifically, my determination that the world would be a much, much, much better place if women and men had the freedom to express who they are. That women and men both have the potential to be excellent caretakers of young children, can clean and organize a household equally well and run a boardroom meeting and a company equally well. That being good at something has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with desire and determination.

But these ideas don't get much play. In our society, even as open and progressive as it is, there is severe pushback against men who express a desire to do something "unmanly" such as take care of their children full time or take their wife's last name. There is severe pushback against a woman who keeps her last name and expresses desire to do something outside the acceptable limits of femininity.

And I've been feeling that pushback a lot lately. It is really getting to me. To express to someone, even someone you think is neutral or a friend, "this is what I want from life, this is who I am" and be insulted for your trouble. I am weary. I am tired of having to defend myself for wanting a role outside of society's narrow confines.

And really, what I want for my life is not really that far out of society's narrowly-issued bounds. I am still heterosexual, married, stable and in graduate school. I am pretty well within the lines. Yet, I see it. The look of shock and then disgust on the face of people I know when I say I am a feminist. The pure incredulousness when I mention my husband supports my career fully and that, although I may one day make more money than him, we are both fine with that. The idea that we can be man and wife and have no desire to reproduce.

I see hatred and fear and anger coming at me all the time. All the time. I have over the top attacks launched at me over a dinner table or drinks with friends. I think one of the reasons people feel so free in attacking my value system is that they don't expect me to answer back. They are not used to anyone raising a voice against them. But I do and I'm weary.

I find very few role models. I have little guidance from those who have forged this path before me. I question if what I believe--that females are autonomous human beings and that men should not face ridicule for choices outside the "manly man" roles--can even be labeled. Recently, some of the feminists I admired in the blogosphere have said and done very irresponsible things. My election candidate, in an article with a Christian magazine, spoke of his belief that women's bodies are not totally autonomous, that society still gets a say in women's choices. I follow threads regarding women's murders and read comments stating the woman deserved her victimization. Maybe for being in the wrong place, wearing the wrong thing, loving the wrong person. So much space is devoted to devaluing women's lives that it breaks my heart.

I am not sure where to go from here. I just know that the world is a much, much scarier place than I ever imagined. I know that people can and will despise you for thinking differently than they. I know that true equality will most likely not be achieved in my generation, to the detriment of boys and girls for years to come. I know that I will continue to be attacked and shamed. I am just not sure what to do about it.